2k18: the first month, A review.

Hello non-existent readers!

I am back, and this time with a review on the first month of 2k18!!!!

Well? Is there a miracle? Did someone die? Did i do something productive? Did i found the answer to all my question?

NOPE. Nothing happen, no miracle, unfortunately and no, i did not do such energy consuming activities! And sadly, no EXACT answer to big questions of life too. Once again, this year started off just like any other year!

And also i'm not trying to reveiw stuff. Does this look like a Yelp.com review section to you?

The real reason I'm here is because I was tempted to write something regarding my well kept secret not even known to those close to me. Yes, I am going to let the cat out of the bag and I am very well informed that internet is not a safe place for me to disclose personal matter, but I am willing to take the risk. Ah, what the heck, what risk am I talking about. It makes my little heart chuckle reading that. Maybe my fellow classmate founding out about this embarrassing blog? They don't even bother asking for my number.

Yes, the cat is out. I desire connection with people. In other words relationship, particularly romantic relationship, in which i have never been in a one myself. Though, I can imagine being in one.

Being young is nice. You're energetic, carefree and brave. Dont have to think about insurance, taxes or paying bills because your parents got you all covered. Everyday, I convince my young self that I've been blessed with a loving and responsible parents, they provided with things to stay alive and I should be able to make them feel joy with my existence.Then I would feel enough and I wouldn't have to write lengthy essay about wanting a relationship. But it just wasn't enough.

I'm surrouded by people

With all kinds of faces.

Some tells a story.

Some hide behind a well-crafted facade.

Some are just, that.

Often time, I find myself attracted to those faces.And later on, their owners. Sometimes it's only for a fleeting moment and sometimes it last for months, years. Looks was never my concern to begin with. It's how they carry themselves that matter most. There are 7 billion people on earth and I've come across some but we never had any sort of romantic relationship. I probably have but it's purely platonic. Once in a blue moon, I'd get to meet people whom I thought was so aligned with me body, mind and soul, it almost unlock the feelings unimaginable to myself ; love and joy, anguish, hatred, deception and lust. At times, those feelings can be so unearable  that you'd rather be a monotonous robot with pre-installed reactions.

Come to think of it, being in relationship with someone (if you don't intent to marry them) according to the teachings of Islam, is haram. As a muslim, I understand the purpose of such restriction but having to oblige to that is not very easy. As a human being, having an intimate conversation with someone at 3am, wandering the dull malls in Malaysia while we search for a place to rest, particularly at Starbuck, side by side, the person's skin slightly touching mine, playfully teasing each other, these small gestures to me, are just as vital to us as food. Food for the soul. It's very valid to crave for human connection because under all that is just our soul's on survival mode. 

Yes, I'm very much aware of the fact that Satan will be third-wheeling us during that time but sometimes you can't help it! God probably has not grant your prayers yet so Satan had to come down to do the dirty work and they're notoriously known for that. If they could make Adam and Eve eat that goddamn fruit, then God forbids I eat the whole tree and I'm trying really hard to stan God while refraining myself from eating any forbidden delicacies.

But it's okay

There's a long way to go on this journey and I'll be fine. I know myself enough to not commit my time, energy and emotion in someone unworthy. From time to time, i will encounter people who would make me feel a certain way and it's not always pretty. It's bound to happen and at some point, it will happen when i least expect it. It's not like it matter. I have my family, friends and silly acquaintances that will keep me occupy while i wait for eternity. Eternity. Not fond of such words. But if there's anything I'd like to have more than being dead, then it's definitely eternal happiness and I may only find it within myself.

I feel like i have used up all my range of vocab.May i have write enough for today.

Will write something more delightful if i get the chance.

Until then.