goodbye forever

3 more days left.3 more days until people start embracing such travesty that they created themselves, a new life,new resolution,new exciting cycle of days, that are just like any other day.And it start this Monday. You can tell, I'm not amazed.

I do enjoy 2k17, don't get me wrong.It is in this year that I've learn to love my family,friends and myself more than any year in my life.Well,maybe i lied a bit about the latter. I don't think i'm even as close as to liking myself. That's because there's nothing to like about me. High school is partly to blame for.

So many things happen this year, the most notable would be questioning my faith,quitting twitter (hopefully, for good), witnessing a mosh-pit live and that my kittens died. I did go here and there, met someone new but eh, it's not really significant.It's just one of those thing you do for a living. Being unemployed.

Ever since my first very fateful encounter with a certain someone, I question about so many things.Things that intertwine me with life -the mastermind behind it Himself, GOD- that i am yet to find the answer.To this day, I have believe that all the things i'm searching for is right in front of me and yet for some reason,i choose to disregard it and be ignorant.

Why,you may ask? I wonder myself. Perhaps,it was fear that stop from being conscious.The fear of having to face reality that our world is bound by the rules of God.He should be fear for His power or else I'll feel His wrath.But why should i fear a supreme(wow edgy kids vocab) being that is affiliated with Goodness??? I don't see the need to.In fact, I should glorify this omnipotent being!

Or at least that's what i thought.Maybe I was mad and disappointed in Him (sit yo ass down,conservative!!),when the world decided to turn upside down, the hurting soul extend their hand for help, when we simply in need of comfort,again and again, He The All Knowing, physically, failed us in under certain, to some many, circumstances. (Yes, used a lot of coma. Deal with it it bitch! Jk i'm not creative :') )

In the end, it's up to the individual themselves to either believe or dispute.It's a personal choice.By my writing, i think you are able to take a hint on what i believe in.Pretty ironic,right? Well, say whatever you want.Words Can'T bReaK mE. If people can go against the nature and defy it, why can't i simply hold on to a divine being that's basically invisible? Forget scientific evidence, I'd rather not complicate my tangled mind with uncertainties. 

To summarize things, I'm tired, I hated that I'm a mere being.These rules that i don't follow, and the idea of it,the consequences, suffocates me. I sincerely wish i was anything but a being.Before you jump to conclusion, let me say that I love the things God gave me in this world -all the wonderful soul who was there for me through thick and thin- for they are the reason I'm here and yet it is the very same reason that I can't see myself being here.I don't deserve them.They deserve better.

Apart from the rules,the struggle for my very meaningless existence, also wears me out. I don't know what i sign up for,but it's really not my cup of tea. In fact, i didn't. I just, exist. I sign up for a game that i don't want to participate in the first place.

As much as i wanted to say sign off from life and say 'goodbye' forever, i couldn't. I don't know what goes beyond the dark abyss of death.There might be an afterlife.There might not.Who am I to decide, I am just a simpleton seeking for simple way to live.I was given a choice, and chose to believe that whatever comes after death is an eternal life in accordance with my deeds.Atheist would think I'm stupid for thinking such thing existed but hey, I can't help that I'm simple minded. I bet somewhere in your heart, you guys wished you knew less, and only then you can continue being happy in a naive belief. Ignorant is bliss.The less i know,the better.

In the meantime,while i'm still breathing in the air of death, I will try my best to not be an asshole. Hopefully, in another world, i wouldn't have to go through this painful existence. I wouldn't be short and ordinary. It would be anything but pain.